Want more connection but feel short on time? Try this with your child...
With many of us working more hours than ever, our childrens’ homework and extracurricular activities extending all the way to dinner time (if there is one!), it is increasingly difficult for families to find the time to enjoy and nurture their loving connections. This short exercise can go a long way towards creating good feeling between a parent and child of any age and can be done in about 20-30 minutes, less than the time is takes for soup to simmer...
Invite your child to sit with you in a quiet place. If has been awhile since you and your child really connected, he or she may want to sit at some distance apart initially. A younger child may eagerly crawl up onto your lap. Then, ask your child how he or she is feeling. Many kids may give a short one word answer like “Ok” or “Fine” or “Bad.” Ask if they can say more about it. Again, there may be a bit of confusion here at first as some kids may wonder what you mean or want. You can simply say, “Can you say more about feeling bad”...or “Anything on your mind you want to talk about?” With some children you may have to ask something more specific such as, “How are you feeling about being on the soccer team?” or “How do you feel about piano lessons?” “How are things for you at school these days?" to give them a starting point. As they begin to open up and share, give them your full attention so they know that you really want to hear, look them in the eye and imagine that you are listening with your whole body. As you listen, even if they say things that may trigger a response in you, withhold your comments or opinions for the whole time (it's not easy, but the reward is they will feel closer to you and share more - if they need to hear something important from you about the subject, you can bring it up later in another context) If they bring up something that's troubling them at school or with friends, let them fully express the situation in their own words. They may want to share a small triumph or even tell you a funny story or describe a new toy. Whatever it is, let it be okay and affirm it through your body language and vocalizations. When they are done, ask if there's anything else they'd like to share. Give them a few moments to check in and see if there's anything else on the inside that wants to come out right now. Sometimes, this is when an even deeper expression will emerge. By this time, they may have moved closer so that there is more physical contact between the two of you. Your child may want to be held and comforted as they share with you. When it feels like your child is all done, remain in silence for a few more moments, maybe giving a head or foot rub, some back scratching or whatever is your child's favorite touch before getting up. Then thank your child for sharing and maybe make a plan for another sharing session.
